Notes on Replacing Guilt
Life advice* for people wanting to get their shit together [*TW: slightly EA-coded]
I made these notes on the essay series Replacing Guilt while reading it back in September/October 2021. I’d just come back from ESPR ‘21, where someone recommended the series to me. The series ended up being somewhat “inflection-y” — it made big impression on me, impacting my habits of mind and my view of the world.1
Unfortunately, as with most things I see/read, I’ve forgotten a lot of what I picked up from the series, and I haven’t re-read it since. But last week I was dealing with the usual — a lot of existential anxiety, feelings of impostor syndrome, etc., etc.2 — and I remembered I’d written these notes! Even if the more EA stuff doesn’t resonate, I hope that the general life advice is useful.
Don't conflate the quality line with your preference curve. Figure out what you're fighting for, then aim to hit the quality target with minimum effort.
Don't fail with abandon, instead aim to be as close to your target as possible.
Addressing listless guilt (convert it into a specific/pointed guilt):
0. Believe that you can care about something
1. Find something to care about
You don't get to choose exactly what you're fighting for, and your goals will shift. But there is something to fight for, because the world is far from perfect.
(Consider, and get used to the idea of, failure. Have lines of retreat too; consider/think about "unthinkable" paths/processes thoroughly.)
Never let a "should" feel like a reason to do something. Only do things that seem like the best thing to do after you've thought about it. Relegate "should" to a retrospective view of the best option given updated, post-hoc info.
A true sense of moral purpose is a clear feeling of resolve as to which option is best. Don't feel forced into doing something, or that morality is a burden- that is just another “should”. Weigh up your actions.
Don’t conceive of “rest” as your default state. Instead, realise that you have to try to move along the stream of tasks and activity, not too fast, not too slow. Work is never finished; consider rest as another action you could be doing. The default/ground state is not rest, it is steadily moving through the stream of actions, it’s getting done what you want to get done as fast as you want to get it done.
When you feel vaguely guilty, use the technique of refinement- keep asking questions in order to refine the guilty feeling. Also use internalisation- make sure the feeling of guilt stems from obligations on your preference curve, no-one else's.
Don't feel guilty about particular instances/missteps, instead try to deal with the broader category/pattern of behaviour that is not conducive to your goals.
Guilt motivation, especially when used regularly in a boom-bust cycle, is far less effective than intrinsic motivation.
When you do something that you rather would not have done, identify the pattern of behaviour that brought that about. Use the scientific method to try different methods to avoid that pattern arising again, and evaluate the effectiveness of those methods. Also realise that sometimes it may not be worth the time spent correcting these problems in terms of the gravity of the actual problems. In that case, stop worrying about the problems unless they start becoming significant.
The "sucker punch" of acute "guilt" where some part of you tells you that what you did is wrong can be useful, as it's a strong indication that you should change/not do the same thing again in the future. However, lingering guilt/regret serves no purpose.
Use the "new homunculus" [called teleporting alien by Neel Nanda] to examine what your true values are, what tasks/feelings you should dispense with, and which ones you should do more of. There's no need to propagate the errors of the old homunculus, to fall prey to the sunk costs fallacy.
You are not a god, you are a monkey. Your brain will struggle to achieve the patterns of actions you want it to, so help it, don't berate it. Make it as easy as possible for the monkey to achieve what you really want (remember it wants those things too), but help it when it gets derailed.
Search for the choice nodes that let you act easily as you wish, before a decision gets difficult to execute. Learn about at which choice nodes your mind readily responds to your will, they are your real choice points. To do this, imagine a world where you have no willpower, and act accordingly. Always underestimate your willpower, it is a finite resource. E.g. rather than trying to pull yourself out of a Netflix binge, realise that starting to watch Netflix will result in a binge, and thus judge whether it's a good idea to start in the first place.
Practise self-compassion. Imagine someone else, or a small child, struggling with what you're struggling with. Be compassionate. Not pitying or excusing, or even advising. Just compassionate. Step back and realise that you are a self aware monkey, immeasurably small on the scale of the universe, yet all the same trying to change the universe. What you're doing is difficult, and you're not really built for it. Be compassionate and work together with yourself, tell yourself that you have your support through thick and thin. Resolve to work together with yourself.
There's no such thing as a bad person. When you find yourself saying "if I do/don't do x, then I'm a bad person", investigate and unpack that. What do you mean? It may lead you to some ridiculous and irrational feeling/concern that's within you, deep down. Don't dismiss such feelings though. It's your mind and you have to work with it. Follow your innate feelings in order to make your path through time, and the way in which you alter the universe, a good one.
Reside in the mortal realm. Hold yourself to the same standards you hold everyone else: you are just a monkey. Look to the future and be motivated not by guilt but by knowing there’s something worth fighting for: your intrinsic motivations.
If you want to be the kind of person that knuckles down in the face of hardship, realise that there is no "null choice" of doing nothing, curling up into a ball, and lying in bed. See this as just another possible response/action with its own costs and benefits, just as all others are. [Neel advises framing stuff in terms of opportunity costs, and remember, “doing nothing” has opportunity costs.] Remember that you reside in the mortal realm: it's ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
Don't confuse the cost of a life with the value of a life! In some parts of this world, it costs as little as a few thousand dollars to save a life. But you don't have to confuse the current cost of saving a life with the intrinsic value of a life. There is a gap there. There is a gap between how much a life is really worth, and the price tag that you must assign. That gap is a direct measure of the difference between the universe that is, and the universe that should be. It can simultaneously be the case that (1) lives are nigh invaluable, and (2) people are being annihilated constantly, against their will, in ways that can be prevented using relatively small sums of money. Lives are nigh invaluable, but you have to treat them as if they're worth only a few thousand dollars. This gap between price and value is unacceptable, but physics doesn't care what we'll accept. We live in a cold, uncaring universe; a universe beyond the reach of God. Don't forget about the gap between how little a life costs and how much a life is worth. For that gap is an account of the darkness in this universe, it is a measure of how very far we have left to go. Know that there are those of us who fight. And this is a fight you can join. For some of you, fighting means joining an effective cause. But for most of you, fighting means putting a low price tag on lives, and then honoring it — by purchasing lives wherever they are cheapest; by donating to highly effective causes. Remember that just as courage is about doing the right thing even though you're afraid, caring is about doing the right thing even when you're not overwhelmed by emotion. If you are going to stand beside us in this fight, then I will welcome you no matter what — but I would rather you join us filled with hot fury or cold resolve, rather than with guilt or shame.
Oh, Death was never an enemy of ours! We laughed with him, we leagued with him, old chum. No soldier's paid to kick against his powers. We laughed, knowing that better men would come, And greater wars; when each proud fighter brags He wars on Death, for lives; not men, for flags. — Final stanza of The Next War, by Wilfred Owen
Don't tolerify- don't be cognitively dissonant by trying to put forth ways to justify why the current state of affairs is "acceptable". Accept that the current state of affairs is in fact unacceptable- accept, and dwell within, this dark world. Let the dark world drive you, fuelling your intrinsic motivations. It won’t be easy, but clearly, the world is broken. Work with yourself to accept that, realise that you alone can’t make the world acceptable, maybe just a bit more acceptable. Follow your intrinsic motivations, with your resolve hardened by the dark world you dwell in. [Scout Mindset]
When you're faced with a choice between bad or worse, don't compare those actions against some objective standard or some "acceptability threshold". Simply pick the best action that is available to you. Don't waste too much time feeling frustrated in this regard. However, the frustration may be masking a 3rd choice, one that's better than "bad" or "worse". Spend time examining that to see if it's the case. Look for cheats/alternatives/ways out, and ask for help, but at the end of the day, choose the best (least worst) action, and do so without suffering.
Don't feel grim on the basis that the world is bad. That's pretty useless. Instead, realise that sometimes grimness and cold resolve are indicators/encouragements to buckle down. You are still a monkey, work with all of your various states of mind. Have the right demeanour at the right time to be effective.
When you realise you're in a bad situation/have got the raw end of a deal, don't feel awful and dwell on it. Simply realise that this is an observation that is providing you with information about your current state within the universe. Imagine the new homunculus/teleported alien, who comes to you when you had just lost a bet/were living in a fairly shit part of the universe where suffering is endemic. It would be pointless for them to throw a tantrum or berate themselves or whatever. Instead, this would simply serve as information about your state in the world. Accept that. Maybe do something about it as well, like if the world is a bit broken, just calmly try to do what's best for you and for the world, with equanimity.
Don't offer excuses. Understand your failures so that you may act better next time. If you want to succeed, don't generate reasons why you never could have won, instead, play to win. Excuses make you helpless and rob you of your agency. Simply say "I'm sorry, I wasn't good enough/I messed up."
"Unthinkable" events/outcomes have to be made "thinkable", or they will weigh infinitely on your scales. You have to consider them, and weigh them up, just as any other costs & benefits. Think the unthinkable, leave yourself a line of retreat, consider those outcomes in detail, don't delude yourself, weigh the cost and its probability. The fear of the "unthinkable" will then diminish. There's no need for tolerification or excuses for the "unthinkable", simply accounting for them thoroughly will enable you to choose the best actions.
Notice when you feel guilty, or the desire to look away/tolerify something bad. Acknowledge that feeling, live within the dark world. Transmute it into resolve, the desire to help and make the world a better place. Don't feel guilty about not being as productive/smart as others, because that serves no purpose. Feel a sense of resolve and anger though; push yourself as hard as is sustainable to make the world a better place. You are part of the grand story; make your part count.
Don't get paralysed looking for the best action. It's impossible to find. We're not playing to get a perfect score- we've already thrown that away; billions of people have died, the acceptability threshold is a laughable fantasy. Just look for the best action you can find- the best action you can come up with in 5 minutes.
The world is dark, but not colourless. There are good things in the universe: spots of colour of goodness. Realise the reason you feel despair/hopelessness is because the universe could be better. Don't let them weigh you down. Instead, let them be a reminder: those are feelings you can only get from something worth saving. There are things that are worth fighting for. Let the feelings of despair be a reminder of what could be, and let everything that is wrong in this world be your fuel.
Stop trying to try and try: your overarching aim/goal should not be the focus, it should instead be an unconscious assumption in the background as you work on more immediate/instrumental tasks. This means that that goal is not something you have to reaffirm, depleting scarce willpower, every time you encounter a difficulty, instead you should just deal with those difficulties as immediate problems as they arise, with that goal unconsciously in the background. Go from being “expected to try” to “competence assumed”. Don’t worry about whether you can solve general problems, try to solve the specific, actionable subproblems. Make the pursuit of your goal implicit, and spend your focus on the subproblems.
Avoid using the word "try". Instead, introspectively break down what you mean when you say "I'm trying to do x" to a level of granularity such that it feels silly to use "try". Don't use "try" as a kind of excuse such that when enough time passes you can give up and say "I tried". Instead, actually focus on the task, break it down to that granularity, and work on it. Granularity allows you to tell whether a "try" is a pre-emptive excuse for failure, or an intelligent attempt to succeed.
Obvious advice:
Before carrying out a plan, actually do the obvious things. Pause, and consider the obvious things that reasonable people might do before making a big decision, and then do those things (eg spend 5 mins brainstorming alternative options, consult with others, etc).
Equally important: don't do things the wrong way/execute bad plans, especially when judgement is clouded by emotion/haste. Pause, reflect, ask “is this a terrible plan”?
Expand your notions of “obvious preparation/thing” and “bad plan” to make this more helpful. In addition, try to incorporate some rationalist skills such as this advice into a five-second cognitive reflex. Find a way to actually start doing the obvious things before undertaking a big task/decision. This is easy to learn and hard to master. Come up with a list of obvious prompts, ask yourself whether you’ve considered doing the obvious thing.
Responding well to a difficult question: have appropriate/effective responses to situations, rather than floundering or flailing. Sometimes this is pausing and thinking. Often it requires expertees. Good responses aren't reflexively responding fast, rather reflexively responding well. Break problems down and think analytically. Have a checklist.
Confidence all the way up: all the uncertainty/unconfidence is covered by confidence one meta-level up in the cognitive chain. It's not bad to generate bad answers, as long as you cover it with confidence in higher meta-levels. Use this confidence all the way up in everyday life; cover uncertainty in your big decisions with this confidence.
3 dubious virtues:
Desperation- use this towards your intrinsic motivations, hold nothing back. Imagine imaginary scenarios that put your intrinsic motivations on the line, and ask yourself whether you would pull out all the stops. And if you only grudgingly do so, what are you holding out for? Don't hold a part of yourself back from nothing. Overcome the social stigma and vulnerability of caring too much about one thing- desperation achieves this. Confidence all the way up helps to overcome the social vulnerability of desperation. Allow yourself first to become desperate in principle, then imagine that sense of desperation within you and working towards that commitment. Then consider what you can do towards that commitment now.
Recklessness- be reckless in the pursuit of an external goal. Dive in and solve the difficult problems that arrive. See the dark world, and face it. Push forward on the best path available even if the odds of success are low; if that is the case a better path is more likely to appear. Commit yourself fully to that best path, and don't hesitate to change paths as soon as a new best one appears. Always forward, never back.
Defiance- as a virtue, it's the thought of "I am self reliant, I am not beholden to your whims and won't take your orders lying down". When you encounter a bad thing brewing in the world, you reflexively (without thought) rebel against it. Have defiant reactions towards states of affairs. No matter what other people think/believe, rules and customs are arbitrary, and you aren't beholden to them. Do not go gently into that good night, don't be helpless, be self-reliant. Let the wrongness of the world trigger something deep inside of you, such that the question stops being whether you will capitulate or lose hope, and becomes how you will wrest the course of the future onto a different path. See the current state of affairs as your adversary; see the future as the prize that hangs in the balance. Shake off the illusory constraints, set your jaw, and rebel. Defy.
We will be measured by our impact on the universe's history. We are all trying to make the universe better for some entities within it. Act to ensure a better future. Work with others (friends and allies), enjoy their company, but ultimately, self reliance is needed. YOU are the one that has to act and change the history of the universe.
Today marks the end of my series on replacing guilt (table of contents).
I began the series by discussing the "restless guilt," that people feel when some part of them thinks they aren't doing what's important. I argued that it's possible to care about things outside yourself, and things larger than yourself, no matter what a nihilist tells you.
In the second arc of the series I implored readers to drop their obligations and ask themselves where they would put their efforts if there was nothing they felt they "should" be doing. If you can drop your sense of obligation and still care hard for something larger than yourself, you are well on your way to dispensing with guilt-based motivation.
In the third arc, I described techniques for building and maintaining a powerful intrinsic drive without the need to spur yourself with guilt. I point out that working yourself ragged is not a virtue, and that the "work too hard then rest a long time" narrative is a dangerous narrative. We can't always act as we wish we could: We're not yet gods, and it's often easier to change our behavior by exploring obstacles with experimentation and creativity instead of attempting to berate and guilt ourselves into submission. I plea for self compassion and argue that there are no "bad people".
In the fourth arc, I describe ways to draw on the fact that the world around you is broken as fuel for your intrinsic drive. If, when given the choice between "bad" and "worse" you can choose "bad" without suffering; if you can be content in your gambles while having no excuses and coming to terms with the fact that you may fail, then it becomes easy to transmute your guilt into resolve and struggle hard to make the future as bright as you can make it.
In the fifth and final arc, I describe mindsets and mental stances from which guilt seems an alien concept. Primary among them are "confidence all the way up", the skill of believing in your capabilities while not being overly sure of anything; and desperate recklessness defiance, the three dubious virtues of those with strong intrinsic drive.
I conclude with a few words on how we will be measured: When all is said and done, Nature will not judge us by our actions; we will be measured only by what actually happens. Our goal, in the end, is to ensure that the timeless history of our universe is one that is filled with whatever it is we're fighting for. For me, at least, this is the underlying driver that takes the place of guilt: Once we have learned our lessons from the past, there is no reason to wrack ourselves with guilt. All we need to do, in any given moment, is look upon the actions available to us, consider, and take whichever one seems most likely to lead to a future full of light.
Incidentally, ESPR itself was a huge inflection point in my life — but that’s a story for another day, kids.